Unforeseen
by Sazzledazzled
Summary: Emmett decides on a new career path, will he persuade his family to help him out? Or are they all in for a shock? Fandom 4 Oaklahoma Contribution One shot - rated M for language


******This was my contribution to the Fandom 4 Oaklahoma fundraiser. I had a lot of fun writing this but my heartfelt thanks go to my Beta Mauigirl60 and my Pre-reader Wiltshire Glo - My words would have been nothing without you lovely ladies. I hope you enjoy my little tale, please leave me a review xXx  
****  
**

~~*Unforeseen*~~

Seeing an Emmett Cullen epiphany was enough to strike fear into the heart of the living, the dead and, unfortunately, the undead. Seeing the furrowed brow and the subsequent look of clarity pass over his middle sons' face was enough to make Carlisle Cullen sweat, and Carlisle Cullen hadn't had cause to sweat since the great burn of his transformation in 1640. Emmett opened his mouth and Carlisle braced himself for what would be either monumentally brilliant or earth-shatteringly fuckwitted. Unfortunately for the patriarchal vampire, it was the latter.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!"

Carlisle rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Emmett!"

"I've been watching you caring for Bella's bump over these past few months and I've decided that I want to help people, too ...well, just women - specifically, I want to be a midwife."

Carlisle tried his hardest to keep his composure. "I'm so very proud of you for making this decision. It's noble that you wish to pursue a career in healthcare, Emmett, but are you sure your talents would be best suited to midwifery?"

Emmett swelled with pride at his father's words. "I've been thinking about it for a while and I think I'd be a brilliant midwife. I mean, the ladies love my dimples and I'm always able to calm Rosie when she's raging. I've even gone to the store in the middle of the night when Bella was craving chocolate and pickled onions. I've also walked away from fights with newborns without a scratch, so I'm sure a bunch of hormonal women would be a piece of cake."

Carlisle sighed. "There's is more to it than that Em; you'd have to exercise extreme caution in the use of your strength and your sense of humor! More importantly, there's a lot of blood during the birthing process and not only just blood – there are various bodily fluids that midwives, nurses and doctors come into contact with. You'd have to work hard on controlling your bloodlust, Son."

Emmett nodded in agreement. "That's why I was thinking of asking Bella if I could practice on her, we know the baby will be tougher than most newborns…" Emmett never got to finish his sentence as an inhuman growl ripped through the Cullen house, and Edward blurred into the living room.

"You will not lay one hand on my wife, do you understand me? My wife and child will not be subjected to your half-assed ideas!"

"Whoa, Ed – man, calm down, what the hell did you think I was going to do to her? I just want to listen to the belly-dweller like Dad does."

"Over my cold dead body will Bella be used as a guinea pig! Do you think Bella will allow you to touch her? Do you think Rosalie will allow you to touch Bella?"

"Rosie will be okay, she knows that I only want to help the baby! Bella knows I want to help her, too!"

Their bickering was interrupted by cautious steps toward them. "Edward Anthony, would you care to explain why you left your poor pregnant wife mid-foot rub and shot out of the room like you had the Volturi after you?"

Carlisle stood and strode over to Bella, linking his arm with hers as he escorted her toward the couch, where he gently settled her down. Bella smiled and kissed his cheek, then turned her attention to her husband and brother-in-law. "I'm still waiting, Edward Anthony! Am I to assume - since it looked as though you were about to rip Em's head off - that he's either done, said or thought something to offend you?"

"Emmett has decided that he'd like to pursue a career in obstetrics, and has asked Carlisle if he could shadow him during the rest of your pregnancy, ultimately resulting in Em being present at the birth of our child."

Bella's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline and she glared at Emmett. "That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! I won't even let Carlisle look at my vajayjay; what makes you think that I'd let _you_, Emward Shovel-hands?"

"But, Bells..."

"Emmett Cullen, that has got to be the most fucked-up sentence to ever leave your lips! I've seen what you've done to trees, rocks, bears, walls. Rose uses you as a living car jack, so where'd you get the idea that you'd be gentle enough not to hurt me or the baby?"

"But, Bells..."

"No, Emmett, you're the vampire equivalent of a wrecking ball! Once you've had decades - no, centuries - of practice, then maybe just then you'd be fit enough to be let loose on the pregnant population of the world. But, you will _not_ use my baby or myself for one of your half-cocked, lame brained ideas!"

"So, it's not a 'no' then, it's a 'maybe'?"

Bella stamped her foot and growled. "ARRGGHHHH! Edward, get me out of here before I take a match to him!"

Edward growled at Emmett as he scooped Bella into his arms and walked toward the stairs. Carlisle rose at the same time. "I'll be up momentarily Bella; I think I need to check your blood pressure." Bella nodded as Edward ascended the stairs.

"Can I help?" Emmett inquired.

"No!" Three voices bellowed back at him. Emmett shrank back, grumbling to himself as the elder Cullen followed his son and daughter-in-law.

Emmett was still pouting as Esme, Rose, Jasper and Alice returned from their shopping trip. "Did you honestly think that Bella would say yes?" Alice shook her head as she vaulted the back of the couch and landed beside Emmett.

"I can't see what her problem is..." Emmett lamented.

"Who has a problem?" Rose asked, as she sat beside Emmett. "Who've you pissed off now, baby?" she cooed.

"Well, I've decided to go into healthcare, like big C, and I want to work with pregnant women; but Bella won't let me practice on her…she's being totally unfair!"

Edward's growl filtered down the stairs, Jasper stiffened as the anger flooded his system. "I'm not sure who's more pissed off at you right now, Em: Edward, Carlisle, Bella or Rose!" Emmett swung around to look at his wife. "Why are you pissed at me? I thought you would love for me to help with babies!"

"Emmett, you can't be serious! I love you, baby, but no! How many games consoles, TVs, walls, windows, doors, and cell phones have you broken without even realizing it?"

Emmett jumped to his feet. "Yeah, yeah, I get it - vampire wrecking ball. I'm going to get some fresh air, someplace where I don't stink! Oh, I know, I'll go to Loserville - population me!" With that said, Emmett flounced from the Cullen house and into the forest, leaving behind two broken doors, a cracked window and his stunned family in his wake.

Upstairs, Bella cringed as she heard Emmett's tirade and subsequent departure. Guilt washed over her as she wished she hadn't been so harsh with her favorite brother-in-law. Jasper knew that Emmett was her favorite. He'd always felt guilty for trying to eat Bella, so he maintained a slight distance between them, and was eternally grateful to her that she never made the situation awkward.

"Can you help me up?" she asked Edward and Carlisle. "I need to go and talk to Emmett." Carlisle spoke kindly to Bella. "I would rather you stayed in bed and rested." Bella sighed. "I know you do, Dad, but I really need to speak to him. I was so harsh and I won't be able to settle until I apologize to him."

One of Carlisle's weaknesses was Bella calling him 'Dad'. All of his other 'children' addressed him as 'Carlisle' but Bella never had; he was always 'Dad' to her and she wrapped him around her little finger as easily as she had wrapped Charlie. He nodded in acquiescence and held out his hand to help her stand.

Edward looked pensive and opened his mouth to speak. Bella shushed him immediately. "I need to apologize to him Edward. As soon as I have, I'll come straight back here to rest." Edward knew this was one battle he wouldn't win. "Do you wish me to stay with you or should I wait for you elsewhere?"

Bella smiled at her husband. "I think I'll be okay on my own; if I need anything, you'll only be seconds away."

Escorting his wife to the front door, he tenderly kissed her cheek. "I love you; don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen." Opening the front door, Bella stepped outside and found Emmett sitting and sulking on a large rock at the edge of the Cullen driveway.

"Hey, you," she spoke softly, placing her hand on his slumped shoulders. "I'm sorry Emmy-bear, your suggestion took me by surprise and I think I _may_ have overreacted somewhat."

Emmett shrugged. "No problem, I was a dumbass for even suggesting it."

"Hey, don't talk about my favorite brother-in-law like that or I'll have to kick your ass, pregnant or not!"

"Well, I am…"

"No, you aren't, Em. I think it's brilliant that you want to be involved in the care of pregnant women. You can put people at ease and make them laugh and, believe me, you need a sense of humor when you're pregnant. But, this isn't something you can just start doing, you'd never forgive yourself if you did something to hurt me or the baby."

"So, you'll let me near the baby, then?"

Bella choked on a sob and grabbed Emmett's hands, looking into his deep amber eyes she spoke. "Emmett McCarty Cullen, of course we will! Just because I don't want you to deliver the baby doesn't mean you can't touch him or her. I'm counting on you, Uncle Emmett, to climb trees, to make mud pies and help us hide from Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosalie when they want to go shopping and we don't! We need you to teach us how to beat Uncle Jasper at Xbox, we need to know where the best place is to ambush Grandpa Carlisle with water bombs when he comes home from work, and we need you to help us fix the treehouse at Grandpa Charlie's. If the belly-dweller's a girl, we'll need you and Daddy and Uncle Jasper to chase away smelly boys until she's at least 40!"

"If it's a boy, I'll teach him all I know on how to get the ladies!" Emmett wiggled his eyebrows. Bella laughed and threw her arms around his neck. "Steady there, big guy, I'm sure the baby will have enough Cullen charm without any interference from you!" Emmett grinned and unleashed his killer dimples. "See," said Bella, "that's exactly what I'm talking about!" Bella winced as she stood up. "Now, would my favorite brother-in-law please escort me back to the house, my back is killing me and I need to eat."

A flash of concern crossed Emmett's face. "Do you need me to get Papa C for you?" Bella shook her head. "Nah, it's just supporting this giant belly on my toothpick legs, my back hurts almost all the time but it's worth it...OOOH!"

"Oooh?! Oooh?! WHAT?!" Emmett looked toward the house, calculating how long it would take to get back there and if he should go through the already-broken door or the window straight into the living room.

"Calm down, silly, the baby's kicking, give me your hand!" She placed Emmett's giant mitt on her swollen abdomen and grinned in delight as baby Cullen kicked and wriggled for their Uncle Emmett. "Wow, Bella, that's amazing..." He lowered his head and put his mouth close to where he could feel the baby moving. "Hey, Mini C, it's Uncle Em and I can'twait to meet you, so hurry up and pop out, will ya! Let's get your mommy back home and see if Auntie Alice can tell when you'll be joining us!"

Bella laughed as Emmett scooped her up into his arms. "I have at least another two weeks, Emmett; you'd better not jinx me into an early delivery!" Emmett shrugged. "Nah, Bells, Mini C will be stubborn like you and will make you wait!"

"I sure hope so, Em, I'm not quite ready yet."

"Or," continued Emmett, "the baby could be an impatient overachiever like Edward, and be here tomorrow!"

Slapping his shoulder playfully, Bella thought for a while and then spoke. "I think asking Auntie Alice is a very good idea!"

As Em and Bella approached the Cullen abode, they could hear the entire family squabbling. Edward's voice was the loudest. "I'm telling you that I won't go and you can't make me!"

"Son, be reasonable, you need to feed. You'll be no good to Bella or the baby if you don't keep yourself well-fed."

"I cannot, in all good conscience, leave her alone when she could deliver at any time!"

"Edward, the baby won't be here before the end of the week! Bella will deliver early, but it won't be today. You can go on a short hunt."

Emmett looked at Bella. "Looks like we don't have to ask Auntie Alice after all, as she's already spoken." Walking into the living room, he gently set Bella onto her feet. "Edward," she softly called, "everyone is right; you need to hunt. We don't know what will happen with the delivery and I need you to be on top of your game, and the only way that'll happen is if you hunt now."

"But, we can't leave you on your own, it's too dangerous! Anything could happen; what if a pickle craving strikes? You could fall off the stool trying to reach them! You could trip up the stairs! What if you drop your phone on the floor? You couldn't bend to pick it up…and, who will put on your shoes?!"

"Sheesh, can it, Captain Hysterical!" Emmett interrupted. "I'll stay with Bells; I can reach the pickle jar without using the stool. I'll carry her up and down the stairs. I can bend at the waist even if Bella Bump can't and I think I can handle putting shoes on her stinky feet!"

"Hey!" Bella shouted. "Eff off, McCarty, like yours are fragrant all the time! Edward, the big oaf is right, he's fed and full-up and is strong enough to look after me."

"Bella, if anything happens to you, I'd never forgive myself!" Taking his face in her hands, she stroked it as she soothed him. "Baby, everything'll be fine. Alice doesn't see the baby arriving in the next 24 hours, and Emmett's fed and watered and ready for me to boss about. If - and this is a big if - the baby decides to come today, first-time labor can take hours to progress. I'm sure you can run a damned sight faster than I can dilate!"

Edward's shoulders slumped in defeat. Alice squealed, "YAY! Family hunting trip! Let's roll, Cullens, I'm hungry!" Edward grabbed Alice's arm before she could dance out the door. "Alice, are you sure everything'll be okay?"

Rolling her eyes, Alice showed Edward a vision of Emmett fetching and carrying Bella's every desire; rubbing Bella's feet; Em trying not to gag as Bella devoured a full jar of pickles in front of him; watching Pride and Prejudice with Bella and annoying her with a string of questions; and, finally, Bella, asleep on the couch with Emmett in a frazzled heap on the floor. His hand on Bella's bump as he tells the baby all about the adventures he had planned for them both. The vision stays like that until the Cullens arrive back home. Edward visibly relaxed at the vision being played out in his head. "Okay now, Stressward?"

Edward grinned at his family. "I don't know about you guys, but I could certainly go for some mountain lion right about now. Emmett, do you want me to bring you home a bear?" Bella hugged him tight and kissed him thoroughly. "I don't want to see your gorgeous face before morning, Mister!"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

"Don't worry Bella, we'll make sure he doesn't sneak back home," Jasper spoke, as he gently tugged Edward away from her. "Stop growling at me Ed, the sooner we go the sooner we can come back!"

All the Cullens hugged Bella as they left. With either a hug or a fist bump, Emmett bade them farewell. Watching as they blurred into the distance, Emmett clapped his hands together. "Okay then, Egg on Legs, what'll it be? Wrestling or basketball on TV?" Bella cocked an eyebrow. "Neither, my good man, we're starting out this Em and Bella time with Pride and Prejudice!" The departing Cullens laughed as they heard Emmett's groans of protest echo off the Olympic Mountains.

Six hours into Emmett's preggo babysitting stint, the novelty was wearing off. Bella had consumed three jars of pickles, needed to pee at least 50 times and was currently fidgeting on the couch, trying to get comfortable. After they'd watched _Pride and Prejudice_ and then _Sense and Sensibility_, Emmett decided that he'd watched enough 'girlie shit' and pleaded with Bella to watch something more manly before his nuts shriveled up and dropped off. Commandeering the remote, he flicked through the channels at vampire speed, finally settling on _A Nightmare on Elm Street_.

Bella groaned loudly, "Em, please, you know I'm not good with blood. Can't we watch something else?"

"Nope, I've sat through Mr. Darcy, Mr. Farcy and Mr. Arsey; it's time to get our scare on!"

"You do realize if I get too scared that I'll pee myself?"

Emmett snorted. "You're constantly on the toilet, Walnut Bladder; I doubt you have anything left to pee yourself with!" Bella crossed her arms and huffed. "Tell you what, scaredy cat, we'll watch this but I'll hold your hand. Deal?"

Bella shrugged. "I suppose so..."

Grinning widely, Emmett grabbed her hand as he turned the volume up, settling back to watch the movie. He snickered as Bella kept flinching and squeezing his hand, silently musing on whether or not Bella would manage to do any damage to either him or, more likely, herself. He laughed out loud as Bella pointed out that he looked just like the character, Dean.

Emmett felt slightly guilty when Dean died horribly and Bella burst into tears, wailing that she'd die if anything happened to any of the Cullens. Pausing the film, he dashed into the kitchen to get Bella pickles, chocolate, chips and any other comfort food he could think of and raced back into the living room. "Shhhhhh, Shhhhhh, Bells, it's just a movie. We're all okay; nothing's going to happen, we're big and strong and nothing can harm us." He rocked her gently as her sobs subsided, cringing as he felt the tears and snot soaking through his shirt. Bella cleared her throat. "Sorry, Em, it's these damned hormones. I cried yesterday because I couldn't get my socks on and the day before that because…well, I can't remember why. I just cry all the time; I'm a useless blubbering egg on legs!" Bella began wailing in earnest.

Emmett began to panic at the frenzied state Bella was getting herself into. Fearing for her blood pressure, he reached for his phone and frantically dialed Carlisle, who answered immediately.

"Alice told me you'd be calling. Bella's fine son; she's overwrought, overtired and ready for this pregnancy to be over – try and encourage her to sleep and no more scary movies!"

"Yes, Dad."

"See you in the morning son, call me if you need to."

"Bye, Dad." Emmett could hear Carlisle chuckling as he disconnected the call.

Looking at Bella, he noticed she'd drifted off to sleep. Making sure she was snoring soundly, he restarted the movie, trying to ignore the ever-growing wet patch on his shirt, as an unconscious Bella added drool to the tears and snot already gracing Emmett's shirt.

As was fortuitous timing, Bella woke minutes after Emmett had finished the movie and had switched over to football. It also may not have been fortuitous timing, but rather Emmett bouncing about and hooting and hollering at the TV which woke the slumbering Bella. At least, he had the good graces to look slightly ashamed as she glared at him. Flashing the killer dimples, he silently handed her the pickle jar, which she immediately began munching. Three hours of college football later, and Bella was feeling uncomfortable again.

She was all too aware that she was annoying Emmett; she tried to ignore his sighs the way she tried to ignore the pain in her back. Wriggling around, Bella realized that this could be a sign of early labor. She was reluctant to tell Emmett, as she knew he'd panic again and call all the Cullens back. Bella also realised that it could just be gas caused by the three jars of pickles she'd consumed in six hours. Having faith in Alice's vision that the baby wouldn't be arriving that day, she decided not to tell Emmett how she was feeling, until she knew it wasn't just going to be a fart.

Bella had read that water could be very soothing toward the end stages of pregnancy and during early labor, and reluctantly asked Emmett if he could run her a bath. Glad for an excuse to be away from the squirming, grimacing Bella, Emmett blurred up the stairs to Bella's bathroom and set about filling the bath with relaxing bubbles. Within five minutes, he was back downstairs by Bella's side.

"Ready, Bells?" He held out his hand to help her to her feet. As he gently tugged her toward him, he felt the gush of warm liquid running down the leg of his pants. Bella looked horrified as the warm liquid continued leaking out of her. "Geez, Bella, couldn't you wait 'til you got to the toilet? I can't believe you've peed on me!" Grabbing her stomach and wincing in pain, Bella growled at Emmett, "I don't think that's pee, my water just broke!" Emmett shrieked and ran around the living room screaming, trying desperately to strip out of his pants. "Gross, I've got baby water all over me! Oh, my God, I touched it with my hand!" Grabbing the back of the couch for support, Bella watched as the strongest vampire she knew turn into a screaming little girl right before her eyes.

Meanwhile, in the Olympic Mountains, Alice's hunt came to an abrupt end. She called for Carlisle and Edward. "It's happening, it's happening now!" she cried. "Bella decided to take a bath, she moved too quickly and her water broke!" Edward sprinted away from them, desperate to be with his wife. To his left, he heard Carlisle running behind him, simultaneously calling Emmett.

As Bella watched Emmett dancing around the living room in his underpants, she heard his phone ringing. "Emmett, you need to answer that!"

Emmett ignored Bella as he continued shrieking and retching.

"Emmett, you need to answer that, _now_!"

The shrieking and retching from Emmett was joined by nostril flaring and teeth clenching from Bella.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen, answer that fucking phone, NOW! _MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_"

Hearing his tiny sister-in-law drop the F-bomb stopped Emmett in his tracks. Scrabbling around for his phone, he was distracted by a very peculiar noise that Bella was making. He grabbed the phone and flipped it open, garbling, "Why is Bella mooing? I thought she peed, but she didn't! Now she's bent over and mooing - what's going on...?" Keeping one eye on Bella, Emmett listened intently to what his father had to say.

"...you think she's doing what? How far away are you? You want me to do WHAT?" Emmett could hear his brother growling as Carlisle calmly talked him through what he needed to do next.

"Bella drop the sweats, Big C needs me to have a look-see at what's going on down there!"

"What!? No way, _MOOOOOOOO!_ You're not sticking your head down there! _MOOOOOOOO!_ Ow, this hurts! _MOOOOOOOO!_"

Emmett put his phone on the speaker. Carlisle's calm voice filtered through. "Bella, I think you may be having an accelerated labor. We're about five minutes away and I really need you to let Emmett have a look so he can tell me exactly what's going on. Can you do that for me, my brave girl?"

"Okay..._MOOOOOOOOOOOO!_"

"Emmett, I need you to get Bella comfortable - preferably on the floor; listen to her and be guided by her. Do _not_ put her flat on her back and do _not_ hum the stripper theme as you take off her pants."

Emmett gently maneuvered Bella so she was propped up against the couch. Removing her soaked panties, Emmett glanced down and screamed, "OH MY GOD, Carlisle, this can't be right! There's a giant purple head coming out of a very small hole! Oh, my God, Bella, how in the hell are you doing this?" Bella looked on in terror as her giant brother-in-law's eyes rolled back in his head and he crashed through the coffee table, where he remained still. She could hear Carlisle's voice frantically asking if everything was okay. Reaching down between her legs, Bella felt a tiny nose and ears.

"I can feel ears! I think the head's out," she panted. "What do I do now? I need to push…oh, it hurts, arrggghhhhhh!" Bella was vaguely aware of shouting in the distance and Carlisle's instructions to keep panting as nature and instinct took over, urging her to bear down. With one final 'MOOOOOOOOOOO', she instantly felt the relief of the baby's body leaving hers. Panting heavily, she scooped her tiny mewling infant into her arms. Within seconds, Edward and Carlisle burst through the door, both brought to a screeching halt by the scene in front of them.

Bella was legs akimbo, leaning up against the couch amidst bodily fluids, a splintered coffee table and a sprawled out, half-dressed Emmett. "Hi, Daddy!" she grinned at Edward. Both Edward and Carlisle dashed forward, Carlisle immediately going into doctor mode and assessing both Bella and the baby. Edward threw his arms around his new family, peppering Bella's face with kisses. He was brought out of his reverie by a tiny squawk. "Hey, Baby," he cooed. Bella smiled. "What have we got, Daddy? I haven't had a chance to look yet." Bella was vaguely aware of Carlisle handing Edward a pair of scissors to cut the cord and delivering the placenta. He restored her dignity with a blanket and cleaned everything up at vampire speed.

Edward gazed at the tiny infant and cast his eyes down its body. "A girl! We have a daughter, Bella - a daughter, a beautiful little lady just like her mommy." The new parents gazed at each other as they swaddled and diapered their new addition, both of them swept away on a tidal wave of emotion. Their post-natal bubble was rudely popped by a gaggle of squealing, bouncing female vampires all trying to speak at once and fighting each other to get close to the new family. Jasper trotted along behind them, completely tripped out on all the emotions being radiated from his coven.

Edward helped Bella onto the couch and everyone crowded around the newest Cullen. Jasper plopped his loved-up, blissed-out self on the large cushion on the floor. He leapt to his feet in confusion as the cushion moaned and groaned in protest at his actions. Six heads spun around to see what all the commotion was. Rose abandoned her post at the couch and scurried over to Emmett. "Baby, are you okay? Carlisle, what the hell happened to him?!"

Bella cleared her throat. "I think I can help there, Rose. Carlisle asked Em to check on the baby's progress to the outside world. He took one look down there, screamed and passed right out. I think it all got a bit too much for him. Esme, I'm really sorry we broke your table and I think you might need to replace the couch and the rug."

Esme gently hugged Bella. "Shhh, sweet girl – it's just one of those things. You and my darling granddaughter are far more important than a place to sit or a place for our vastly-underused coffee cups." As they spoke, Carlisle and Jasper helped Emmett to his feet and settled him in the chair opposite Bella. "How did I do?" he asked groggily. "Everything happened so fast, I think I'm going to enjoying delivering babies!" Emmett was startled by the gales of laughter from his family. Rosie hugged him and stroked his head. "Babe, you missed it." Emmett glared at her. "Nuh-uh, I did not! I followed all of Carlisle's instructions; I helped get Bells comfortable and then had a look like he wanted me to..." Emmett paled and shuddered. "Oh, Rosie, it was horrible, it was like in _Alien,_ but not busting out of her stomach...it was a giant purple head and it was such a tiny hole...how did it get out?! Oh, my God, my eyes! OH MY GOD...is the baby still purple?!"

Bella giggled. "Have a look for yourself, Uncle Emmett." Clinging onto Rosalie, Emmett peeked at the blanketed bundle in Bella's arms. She nodded at Edward, who addressed the room.

"Everyone, we'd like you to meet Mackenzie Elizabeth Carlie Cullen."

As everyone squealed and murmured their agreement at the suitability of the newest Cullen's name, their attention was diverted to Emmett, who softly whispered to his niece. "Hey there, Mini Mac, I'm Uncle Emmett McCarty Cullen, but I want you to call me Uncle Mac – I was going to ask you to call me Big Mac but that sounds like fast food, so Uncle Mac'll have to do. I'm really glad I could help you into the world, little lady. We're going to have so much fun when you get a little bit bigger and I'm going to help your Mommy and Daddy look after you, too."

Alice's eyes glazed over. She let out a giggle and dashed upstairs, returning with diapers, wipes and a changing table as Mackenzie let out a soft _pffffffft_ and a noxious odor filled the air. "Ready for your first diaper change, Uncle Mac, or do you think you'll pass out again?"

"I did _not_ pass out!" protested Emmett. "Everything happened so fast, I just needed to rest my eyes afterwards. Big, strong vampires like me DO. NOT. FAINT! Hand me that diaper!"

Emmett rolled up his sleeves as Edward placed his daughter on the changing table, the entire Cullen clan gathered around. Rosalie cooed and pulled funny faces at her niece as she gurgled contentedly. Edward looked at Alice and smirked. Pulling Bella closer to him, he whispered, "Watch this!"

Emmett cracked his knuckles and gently opened Mackenzie's diaper.

"OH, MY GOD! What is this shit?! Carlisle, there's something wrong with Mini Mac, her shit is...her shit is BLACK! That shit's not right!

ARRGGHHH I've got it on my hand! Get it off meeeeeeeee, get it offfffff!"

***Scream***

***Retch***

***THUD***


End file.
